Declaration of True Eating by Vincent Kwan

In course of a food event it becomes necessary for people to eat food which connects them to another, and to assume among food to separate calories and fats to which the laws of eating and the natures of obesity entitles them, a decent respect to mixture of saturated and hydrogenated fats that they should declare the causes of which, tells us to eat.
We hold these truths: that all men and women are created equal; that they are endowed by their stomachs, with uncontrollable desire, that among these are good food, pleasure, and pursuit of many layers of fat; that secures these lovely, stomachs are instituted among people, deriving their hunger from the consent growling of the stomach; that any delicious combination of food becomes delicate of these ends, it is the right of the people to savage it, and to institute new peptic ulcers, laying it’s foundation of cracked open spaces, and organizing its pain in such form, as to them shall seem most like to effect their future eating habits and pleasure.
The present fast foods restaurants in United States of America is a history of heartburns and constipations, and over usage of many well scrubbed toilets; we grow tired of them giving us bad infections, from never flushed toilets, shall doom us all. The dislocating of a finger and obese kids will establish true tyranny upon the people of America.
They have refused to admit other accommodation of large people in the population, unless these people would die from fatty burgers and oily fries, inestimable to them, and formidable to food tyrants only.
They have rendered advertising signs for the children population, and superior to, their innocent and little healthy minds.
They have combined with others to subject us to a fast food desire in our daily lives and unacknowledged by the food department of health, giving them assent to their acts of pretend healthy ads, for protecting themselves from mobs of over-weight people among us, for protecting themselves from severe money lost for any countless deaths which they committed on the inhabitants of these state; for cutting off their own fingers thinking it’s fries; for imposing unwanted signs without the health departments consent; for depriving us for healthy benefits of life by eating; for transporting us beyond obesity, abolishing the real taste of angus beef in hamburgers, enlarging the dollar menu, so as to render it at one example and fit prices for introducing twenty-four grams of fat in these states; from taking away real healthy fats, abolishing our most valuable vitamins, to altering our vitamins with chemicals into our stomachs; for suspending our own eating habits, and declaring themselves the healthy industry for us.
We, the wannabe anorexic people of the United States of America gathered here today in my crib in the South end, by the holy name of Jesus, shall represent the authority of all people of these states shall reject the addicting taste of fake Angus beef, and other fast grown tomatoes and fries. We will free our states from their fully grown fast food factories, shall conclude peace once all McDonald’s in America, burns down to our very knees: we shall enjoy the new taste of actual Angus beef, may we pledge our stomachs to our lives, our fortune, and our sacred honor of true eating.